i've had 44. wow. 44 years of newness. this year. i have two new goals. one: i will get all of the laundry done before people come asking for it. two: i will blog. simple, eh? it seemed easier when the munchkins were little munchkins. when they went to bed earlier. when i was more scheduled. when they took naps. however, the youngest is 6 and i'm tellin' ya LIFE IS CONSTANTLY MOVING!
in the past few months, i've determined that while i may never use my college degree in the professional world i will enjoy the small tasks that make my life move. laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning. to some, they are mundane, horrid tasks. to me and my family, they are huge. they are stability. they are love. they sustain us. they are peaceful jobs that keep my brain flowing. they, by the simple offering of them, bring me closer to my god.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
identitiy crisis
i'm finally posting something i wrote, um, well, a year and a half ago! my youngest is actually now 6ish and dagonnit keeps getting older and wiser every day!
my youngest turns 5 in 4 days. i have either been pregnant, nursing, or chasing a toddler for the past 16 years. i don't know who i am. everyone in my family is potty trained. they can all feed themselves, can get buckled in the car and fall asleep easily. there is no rocking, the smell of poopy diaper, trying to wean someone from a pacifier or calming infant cries. i don't know who i am.
now, i'm called to watch ballet shows in the family room, skateboarding tricks in the driveway and youtube videos. the baby gates have been put away, the crib sold and the highchair long gone. there is an ache in my heart that words cannot soothe. now, younger moms come to me for advice. i look at them and want to run away. i don't know anything! don't ask me! i'm not a seasoned, been there, done that mom! i was once the mom of babies looking to other moms who forged the way ahead of me. now, i hang with moms of teens. how do you get them to pick up their clothes? how do you encourage them to not smoke weed? carry the trash out? drive safely? not get anyone pregnant? not get pregnant? URGH! some days i want to go back. i'd rather have sticky all over me, smell like sour milk, step on lego after lego after lego. i don't want to let them go!
funny, i used to long for a night of all sleep. now i long for them to call me the minute they get to their friend's house. it's not easy this letting go thing and this figuring out who to be now.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
smack talk: the love language of boys
my boys went out at the farm for the annual boy camp weekend this past summer. i really don't want to know what goes on really. i am a girl. i am not allowed. i couldn't handle it anyway. i can't talk mean like them. when the eldest was younger his best friend lived down the street. i overheard them talking to each other one day. shocked, i was. i asked my son later if what they were saying to each other hurt his feelings....he looked at me with a blank stare.
before i had kids i had strong ideas about kids. i thought boys and girls were equal. in my semi-feminist mind this had to be so. after having 3 boys and 2 girls i've found out my ideas were completely wrong. while both sex has their strong points and neither one should be looked down on or treated poorly, they ARE different! granted, personality has some to do with it. one of my boys is way more sensitive than the other. however, when it comes down to the basics, smack talk is the love language of boys. they relish in seeing how far they can go. they call each other really bad names. they rip on each other. they compete. they would not dream of saying "wow, you're really amazing" or "wow, i really appreciate how you are my friend" or "why don't you go first". i'm not saying they aren't nice. they are. it's just different. their slams are compliments. hidden. but somehow they understand them.
as a mom, i had to come to grips with this way of talking. i have a tendency to want to nurture, praise, and compliment my kids in a positive way. imagine that. of course, i am the mom. i'm not allowed to smack talk. that would just be downright wierd. but there is a tendency to stand up for my kid when a friend is calling them a mean name. i have to just keep my mouth shut. really shut. because i would get the eye roll. and i hate the eye roll. just let it slide. right off my back.
one day i was working at the farm with my husband and one of his friends. a grown man. two grown men and i felt like i was hanging with two smack talking boys. really? i had to laugh. i decided to join in. WOW! so freeing, so nice to say every mean thing that came to mind. no restraint. these two grown men looked at me like i was insane. crazy. out of my head.
before i had kids i had strong ideas about kids. i thought boys and girls were equal. in my semi-feminist mind this had to be so. after having 3 boys and 2 girls i've found out my ideas were completely wrong. while both sex has their strong points and neither one should be looked down on or treated poorly, they ARE different! granted, personality has some to do with it. one of my boys is way more sensitive than the other. however, when it comes down to the basics, smack talk is the love language of boys. they relish in seeing how far they can go. they call each other really bad names. they rip on each other. they compete. they would not dream of saying "wow, you're really amazing" or "wow, i really appreciate how you are my friend" or "why don't you go first". i'm not saying they aren't nice. they are. it's just different. their slams are compliments. hidden. but somehow they understand them.
as a mom, i had to come to grips with this way of talking. i have a tendency to want to nurture, praise, and compliment my kids in a positive way. imagine that. of course, i am the mom. i'm not allowed to smack talk. that would just be downright wierd. but there is a tendency to stand up for my kid when a friend is calling them a mean name. i have to just keep my mouth shut. really shut. because i would get the eye roll. and i hate the eye roll. just let it slide. right off my back.
one day i was working at the farm with my husband and one of his friends. a grown man. two grown men and i felt like i was hanging with two smack talking boys. really? i had to laugh. i decided to join in. WOW! so freeing, so nice to say every mean thing that came to mind. no restraint. these two grown men looked at me like i was insane. crazy. out of my head.
starting out the end of the year
i was really trying to wait till january to start writing again. well. not really trying to wait. it just happens that life happens and as soon as i sit down to blog. well. life happens.
i've been in a funk over blogs. i get jealous of pioneer woman. how does she have time to do all THAT? really! i have 5 kids. i cook beautiful meals. i homeschool those 5 children. i take pictures. sometimes. the only thing i don't do is wrangle cattle. so, why don't i have time to write? maybe i'm not organized. maybe i'm not disciplined. maybe i'd rather stalk people on facebook. what is my problem?? this is what i've been wrestling with over the past 8 months.
so, i thought i'd give it another go around. mainly so sarah doesn't delete me from her list of college friends.
i made the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING that has ever come out of the oven (in the words of my 13 yr. old). of course, my camera was in the car (and it's really cold outside), aidan's camera was out of batteries and no one wanted to grab their phone. it was a spinach quiche. the crazy thing is that it was beautiful AND it tasted really, really great. oooo....i even made pie crust. which i have to say, i can make a great pie crust. i used to make this quiche for dinner...but it resembles breakfast too much and my dearest husband can't stand breakfast for dinner. mainly because you can't really have a beer with breakfast food.
it is the season for packing on pounds. it's cold. i just want to eat really fattening food like butter. lots of butter. why is it when cold weather comes i want to just eat casseroles, bread, and gooey desserts? like blogging, however, exercise elludes me. i think about it in the dark recess of my mind but somehow the reality of it is a fantasy. so, when you see me again you may not recognize me for all of the chins.
i really love this teen driving thing. i think it's my answer for being able to blog again. i've had TWO days of being at home. that, my friends, is a record. for the past 4 years, my life has been spent in my car driving from practice to practice and co-op to co-op we have squeezed bookwork in between. was i scared to let my eldest get out there on the road? no way. well, maybe a little. but the freedom of not having to be out there overrides any of the fear!
i've been in a funk over blogs. i get jealous of pioneer woman. how does she have time to do all THAT? really! i have 5 kids. i cook beautiful meals. i homeschool those 5 children. i take pictures. sometimes. the only thing i don't do is wrangle cattle. so, why don't i have time to write? maybe i'm not organized. maybe i'm not disciplined. maybe i'd rather stalk people on facebook. what is my problem?? this is what i've been wrestling with over the past 8 months.
so, i thought i'd give it another go around. mainly so sarah doesn't delete me from her list of college friends.
i made the MOST BEAUTIFUL THING that has ever come out of the oven (in the words of my 13 yr. old). of course, my camera was in the car (and it's really cold outside), aidan's camera was out of batteries and no one wanted to grab their phone. it was a spinach quiche. the crazy thing is that it was beautiful AND it tasted really, really great. oooo....i even made pie crust. which i have to say, i can make a great pie crust. i used to make this quiche for dinner...but it resembles breakfast too much and my dearest husband can't stand breakfast for dinner. mainly because you can't really have a beer with breakfast food.
it is the season for packing on pounds. it's cold. i just want to eat really fattening food like butter. lots of butter. why is it when cold weather comes i want to just eat casseroles, bread, and gooey desserts? like blogging, however, exercise elludes me. i think about it in the dark recess of my mind but somehow the reality of it is a fantasy. so, when you see me again you may not recognize me for all of the chins.
i really love this teen driving thing. i think it's my answer for being able to blog again. i've had TWO days of being at home. that, my friends, is a record. for the past 4 years, my life has been spent in my car driving from practice to practice and co-op to co-op we have squeezed bookwork in between. was i scared to let my eldest get out there on the road? no way. well, maybe a little. but the freedom of not having to be out there overrides any of the fear!
Monday, December 28, 2009
the normal family
in the beginning there was no tv. well, there was a tv but it only got 3 local channels with rabbit ears. only movies could be watched on this tv and maybe some PBS. this went on for a few, good years. there was also no sugar. well, maybe on holidays or birthdays. this went on until the family moved to ohio near the grandparents. then, the sugar hiatus was over. when the eldest child of this lovely family was about 9 or 10 he asked "why can't we just be a normal family"? normal to him would be cable and doritos in the pantry.
so, the mom, who can be constantly motivated by guilt, especially when it comes from a kid, called time-warner and headed to sams club to purchase mass amounts of "normal" food. the years have gone on and the family has upgraded to a larger tv. a tv in the bedroom AND the basement. they've also added a gaming system to their lives. one with no violence, of course.
recently, the mom decided that the basement needed to function as something more than a catch all for all of the broken toys. it's being turned into a hang-out for big kids and their friends. they're on a new horizon. the eldest will soon be driving. his friends will soon be driving. where does the mom want them to hang out? in the really NORMAL house that's stocked with lots of snacks, drinks and video games. she wonders if she'll have to upgrade to violence to entice some of the friends over.
the newest addition to the family is a 50 inch LCD tv purchased on craigslist for $100 with christmas money from the grandparents. 50 INCH. it's the hugest thing ever. there some blueing on the screen but who cares! it's 50 INCHES! it will go in the basement in the normal family's teen hang-out room.
there are some things the normal family still does not allow. no texting. sometimes you have to draw the line and this is where it's drawn. they still listen to NPR and their kids still know the theme song to the news programs that come on at 5:00. they still go camping and do all things outdoors. everyone is equipped to pee outside, build fires, and fish. they read a ton, ride bikes, scooters and skateboards and everyone, including the 4 year old, can scramble up some eggs. so, maybe they should start calling themselves the well-rounded family. normal is relative, right?
so, the mom, who can be constantly motivated by guilt, especially when it comes from a kid, called time-warner and headed to sams club to purchase mass amounts of "normal" food. the years have gone on and the family has upgraded to a larger tv. a tv in the bedroom AND the basement. they've also added a gaming system to their lives. one with no violence, of course.
recently, the mom decided that the basement needed to function as something more than a catch all for all of the broken toys. it's being turned into a hang-out for big kids and their friends. they're on a new horizon. the eldest will soon be driving. his friends will soon be driving. where does the mom want them to hang out? in the really NORMAL house that's stocked with lots of snacks, drinks and video games. she wonders if she'll have to upgrade to violence to entice some of the friends over.
the newest addition to the family is a 50 inch LCD tv purchased on craigslist for $100 with christmas money from the grandparents. 50 INCH. it's the hugest thing ever. there some blueing on the screen but who cares! it's 50 INCHES! it will go in the basement in the normal family's teen hang-out room.
there are some things the normal family still does not allow. no texting. sometimes you have to draw the line and this is where it's drawn. they still listen to NPR and their kids still know the theme song to the news programs that come on at 5:00. they still go camping and do all things outdoors. everyone is equipped to pee outside, build fires, and fish. they read a ton, ride bikes, scooters and skateboards and everyone, including the 4 year old, can scramble up some eggs. so, maybe they should start calling themselves the well-rounded family. normal is relative, right?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
back
well, maybe. let's just say i'm gonna try a little harder to get my thoughts out into cyberspace. it's soon to be a new year right? hey, i changed the blog look...maybe that will help.
i think i stepped away from my blog because what i really wanted to do was RANT. COMPLAIN. SCREAM. i was really, um, pissed about that whole brutopia thing and really wanted to move past that. the problem with that is that, well, i'm still pissed over the whole thing. SO. now that that's out there maybe i can move on. maybe. or maybe i will just choose to wallow in my bitterness. what does one do when they've been burned? why do i think that with age, people are more mature and past really taking advantage of other people's goodness? because that, essentially, is what happened. but, i'm not gonna talk about that anymore. whew! aren't you glad?
last month, david ended up in the hospital. for three days. we don't have insurance. we choose not to have it because of the expense of being self-employed AND david's pre-existing condition. SO. people are amazing. i honestly cannot believe how our group of friends and acquaintances have stepped up to help us out. we are surrounded by the church. people i didn't even know brought food to my house. friends kept my kids. like for an entire week after david got home kept my kids. friends i haven't talked to, or hung out with for a few years brought food. people did our laundry. we EVEN had former customers from the coffeeshop bring yummy soup to the hospital for david to eat instead of the yucky hospital food. my boys' basketball and soccer team rallyed together to bring food and take care of the financial part of being on the team. an old friend, who i haven't seen in a few years organized a benefit for us to help with the hospital costs. some musician friends of ours turned their already scheduled winter concert into a benefit. other friends sold pieces of their art to go into the hospital fund. amazing. i don't even think one box of thank-you cards would cover the amount of people who helped us out. we are blessed. it's real easy to give. it's real hard to accept gifts. it's humbling. but, it reminds you that life is about relationships. that's it. plain and simple. loving other humans. loving your neighbor. that's why i'm SO conflicted about the above issue. how do you love people who have trashed your soul? taken your time? your money? used you? how do you hang on a cross, with nails in your hands and forgive? how the HECK do you do THAT? it's real easy to love people who "treat you as they want to be treated". it's real hard to love those other people. it's easy to want the best for people who want the best for you. it's real hard to love those other people who don't want the best for you. but, it sucks to be bitter. it only does more damage to my already damaged soul. so, moving on is the best thing. for those other people and for me. maybe someday i can look back and see peace in the whole thing.
what i meant for this to be was a thank you. a mass thank you to EVERYONE who stepped up and helped us out. we are happy, happy, happy to call you all friends.
i think i stepped away from my blog because what i really wanted to do was RANT. COMPLAIN. SCREAM. i was really, um, pissed about that whole brutopia thing and really wanted to move past that. the problem with that is that, well, i'm still pissed over the whole thing. SO. now that that's out there maybe i can move on. maybe. or maybe i will just choose to wallow in my bitterness. what does one do when they've been burned? why do i think that with age, people are more mature and past really taking advantage of other people's goodness? because that, essentially, is what happened. but, i'm not gonna talk about that anymore. whew! aren't you glad?
last month, david ended up in the hospital. for three days. we don't have insurance. we choose not to have it because of the expense of being self-employed AND david's pre-existing condition. SO. people are amazing. i honestly cannot believe how our group of friends and acquaintances have stepped up to help us out. we are surrounded by the church. people i didn't even know brought food to my house. friends kept my kids. like for an entire week after david got home kept my kids. friends i haven't talked to, or hung out with for a few years brought food. people did our laundry. we EVEN had former customers from the coffeeshop bring yummy soup to the hospital for david to eat instead of the yucky hospital food. my boys' basketball and soccer team rallyed together to bring food and take care of the financial part of being on the team. an old friend, who i haven't seen in a few years organized a benefit for us to help with the hospital costs. some musician friends of ours turned their already scheduled winter concert into a benefit. other friends sold pieces of their art to go into the hospital fund. amazing. i don't even think one box of thank-you cards would cover the amount of people who helped us out. we are blessed. it's real easy to give. it's real hard to accept gifts. it's humbling. but, it reminds you that life is about relationships. that's it. plain and simple. loving other humans. loving your neighbor. that's why i'm SO conflicted about the above issue. how do you love people who have trashed your soul? taken your time? your money? used you? how do you hang on a cross, with nails in your hands and forgive? how the HECK do you do THAT? it's real easy to love people who "treat you as they want to be treated". it's real hard to love those other people. it's easy to want the best for people who want the best for you. it's real hard to love those other people who don't want the best for you. but, it sucks to be bitter. it only does more damage to my already damaged soul. so, moving on is the best thing. for those other people and for me. maybe someday i can look back and see peace in the whole thing.
what i meant for this to be was a thank you. a mass thank you to EVERYONE who stepped up and helped us out. we are happy, happy, happy to call you all friends.
Monday, October 12, 2009
the real writer
i'm just a fake writer. i like to distribute my thoughts on my blog and on facebook. i realize that i am a bad grammar person. i make constant mistakes. i don't really even edit my writing i just write like it's my own personal diary that no one will ever see. but that's me. i don't really care. really.
i once took a writing class with my husband. the man i deeply love. my best friend in the whole world. i dropped the class. he's a real writer. i'm competitive.
we had to bring in samples of our journal. and read them aloud. we all sat around a table nervously reading the thoughts from our brain that we had tried to capture on paper. i read mine. quiet. and then a "oh, that's nice" from the professor. the process kept going around the table until it got to my husband. my husband. the real writer. he read his work. the teacher put a hand to her breast, sighed and practically fell upon her desk writhing in ecstasy. she was about 65. i should have been proud that my husband could ellicit such a reaction. i should have smiled and looked around at the class and said "yep, he's mine". they might not have noticed because they were all writhing and in tears as well. but no. promptly after that class i went to the office of wichita state university and dropped the class. no way was i going to sit through THAT every week.
so. i have a blog. he does not. i doodle and journal little things on my grocery list. he does not. i have hopes that he will one day write again cuz i'm over myself. i like to think i could take a class with him again and make it through to the end.....
i once took a writing class with my husband. the man i deeply love. my best friend in the whole world. i dropped the class. he's a real writer. i'm competitive.
we had to bring in samples of our journal. and read them aloud. we all sat around a table nervously reading the thoughts from our brain that we had tried to capture on paper. i read mine. quiet. and then a "oh, that's nice" from the professor. the process kept going around the table until it got to my husband. my husband. the real writer. he read his work. the teacher put a hand to her breast, sighed and practically fell upon her desk writhing in ecstasy. she was about 65. i should have been proud that my husband could ellicit such a reaction. i should have smiled and looked around at the class and said "yep, he's mine". they might not have noticed because they were all writhing and in tears as well. but no. promptly after that class i went to the office of wichita state university and dropped the class. no way was i going to sit through THAT every week.
so. i have a blog. he does not. i doodle and journal little things on my grocery list. he does not. i have hopes that he will one day write again cuz i'm over myself. i like to think i could take a class with him again and make it through to the end.....
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