i'm finally posting something i wrote, um, well, a year and a half ago! my youngest is actually now 6ish and dagonnit keeps getting older and wiser every day!
my youngest turns 5 in 4 days. i have either been pregnant, nursing, or chasing a toddler for the past 16 years. i don't know who i am. everyone in my family is potty trained. they can all feed themselves, can get buckled in the car and fall asleep easily. there is no rocking, the smell of poopy diaper, trying to wean someone from a pacifier or calming infant cries. i don't know who i am.
now, i'm called to watch ballet shows in the family room, skateboarding tricks in the driveway and youtube videos. the baby gates have been put away, the crib sold and the highchair long gone. there is an ache in my heart that words cannot soothe. now, younger moms come to me for advice. i look at them and want to run away. i don't know anything! don't ask me! i'm not a seasoned, been there, done that mom! i was once the mom of babies looking to other moms who forged the way ahead of me. now, i hang with moms of teens. how do you get them to pick up their clothes? how do you encourage them to not smoke weed? carry the trash out? drive safely? not get anyone pregnant? not get pregnant? URGH! some days i want to go back. i'd rather have sticky all over me, smell like sour milk, step on lego after lego after lego. i don't want to let them go!
funny, i used to long for a night of all sleep. now i long for them to call me the minute they get to their friend's house. it's not easy this letting go thing and this figuring out who to be now.
