transparent

Since I've been on facebook I have come across people who I thought I would never think about again. Folks from most areas of my past life have creeped into my present. This is good and bad. Good because I love most of the people from my past. Bad because I am forced to recall lots of the choices I made that weren't exactly the best.

I went to a small college in East Tennessee. It was beautiful there and I still miss the sun setting over the mountains. My freshman and sophomore years were spent getting used to my freedom. I went home the summer after my first year away and swore to never live at home again. My parents were/are great but they were still PARENTS. My senior year in college was rough. Academically, I was fine. I studied and got by. Emotionally, I was a wreck. There were many things that led up to this of which there is no need to share. I ended up checking myself into a psych. hospital. It's so hard to admit you have a problem. To really let go and let someone else take care of you. Going to that hospital was the absolute best thing for me at the time. It was a low-key, really nice place....kind of like a hotel with lots of locks. By my second week, I was allowed to sign out for a walk around the building. The best part of going there was that I realized that I wasn't so bad off. I met a woman who turned the gas oven on in her trailer and tried to kill herself and her 3 year old son. I met several other suicidal people. Some who had been to this place 3 times or more. I met a guy who had violence issues and had driven his car into his mom's living room. A heroin addict who left me a mixed tape of his favorite music when he left. I was pulled into a world of broken people. It was also a world where I felt completely accepted. There was no hiding here. Blow dryers and other things with cords had to be kept with the nurses. You could smoke outside, but the lighter was chained to a bar inside the door. We could watch TV, but no cartoons! There was also a list of movies that were acceptable. They didn't want us seeing anything that might remind us of our troubles. Visitors were allowed on Sundays. I was amazed at the friends who stood by me. I truly thought they would be embarrassed!

After 2 weeks in this place, I was given the thumbs up. The doctor felt I was ready to move back into my life. I felt I was ready to move back into my life. It was really strange to go back onto my college campus with all of the college kids who seemed to not have a care in life. In a way, it was refreshing. In a way, it saddened me. I actually missed the broken people. After college, I moved on. Thankfully I've never been as desperate as I was at that time. Continually, I have been around others who help me to see the truth whether it be by their own admission of dealing with depression or by their ability to encourage. The truth is that our lives are good. There's always someone looking out for you. My favorite memory of the hospital was the first night. I realized I was out of cigarettes. I freaked. I really didn't see how I could make it there without smoking. My parents were leaving and I left my room to tell them goodbye. When I came back there was a pack of Marlboro Reds on my bed. One of the nurses heard the angst in my voice and saved me. Yes, a nurse. They're supposed to take care of you, ya know and she did.

Everything happens for a reason. I really believe this. If I had not gone there, I would not be here sitting at my computer recalling the good and the bad.

a little secret

or maybe something you don't know about me. i feel it is time to divulge this somewhat scary side of myself. i've waited too long. recently, i confessed to my husband and he took the news quite well considering. considering he absolutely hates everything about my secret. i love cracker barrel. yes, love it. i love it in the summer, fall, winter and spring but especially in the fall and winter. i even love the christmas ornaments (which are out right now, by the way). i walk in and feel warmth and kindness oozing from the walls. i like the way it smells and i LOVE the biscuits. the best part is in the winter when the fire is going. the great, big fireplace the reminds me of the house i never grew up in. i could spend a few hours smelling all of the yankee candles and reminiscing with the candy. when i told my husband of my love, he did look a little frightened. he really just wanted to make sure i wouldn't ever consider toting knickacks back to our house. there is no worry of that. i don't really want all of that in my house. i'm more of just a picture and candle kind of girl. i just want to look. i want to feel the wierd comfort of home that place offers. when we traveled alot i had two places that connected me to stability. i know, i know, i should have been relying on God for that. however! whatever town i was in, however far away i was from an actual house, whenever i walked into cracker barrel i would leave my cares at the door and walk in to be embraced by yummy smells and warm food. leaving, i felt refreshed and ready to drive to the next town hoping all the time that there would be another cracker barrel waiting for me.

what i mean is this

my dear friend lisa a.k.a. "mrs. mcafee" is one of the most sweet, kind, gracious persons i know. in ohio homeschoolers must have their children's work assessed by a certified teacher. she is my assesser. my favorite day was when she actually tore pages out of spelling books. they were warm-up tests that she felt were useless and a waste of time! so, underneath her calm, cool and collected exterior lurks and inner rebel. this is probably why we connect. do we think the same things about church? do we have the same views of politics? probably most definitely not. but i consider her one of the people who i would go to if i were really struggling with my kids/homeschooling. for all of these years, she has been the standard. i will tell my kids, "you must do well on this because MRS. MCAFEE will be checking it". well, last year her son (who is adorable as well) apprenticed at our coffeeshop with david. so, she went down and hung out. my two boys happened to be there on the days she was there. cover blown! she would do math with avery! and she's a REAL teacher. i felt so blessed. well, a few weeks ago, she and her son came down to the shop so he could interview my husband for something he was writing. avery and aidan happened once again to be there. after the interview, she took the boys to lunch! to their favorite pizza spot. yes, now it's official. i can no longer fool my kids. "mrs. mcafee" holds no meaning to them. she is dear to them as well. now, HOW am i going to get them to do their work!

i like to blog

i just wish i had more time to actually sit down and do it! school is going really well this year. i think my kids are settling into a routine.

the thing i love about our coffeeshop is the people who like to get coffee there. there is a man and his wife. she is iranian and they want to invite us over a meal. today, he was SO impressed that my 11 year old made an entire jewish meal last week. he is a professor at UC and so is his wife. i love being affirmed that homeschooling is the best choice for us. he loved that we teach the classical method and our kids learn history from the beginning not from the voyage of columbus! so, in all of my day to day frustration of actually pulling school off, i think my kids truly are learning. i just feel that on aidan's high school graduation i will be breathing a BIG sigh of relief and then four more to follow!

i know there are several people who read my blog. i would love to know who you are! leave me a line.....that way i know if i need to go private:). ha! straight up, i don't want to have to worry about offending anyone. so, please know if you read my blog i probably won't censor what i say. i want to be the kind of person who is who she is. damn it. like my husband. i just won't be able to look "mrs. mcafee" in the eye.......

i SHOULD be cleaning

but i'm not. my husband took 4 kids camping. aidan is here...but he can entertain himself. i made promises of a spotless house when everyone gets back. it's so nice to sit and post in the quiet!

my mom and i went to see "mama mia" last night. at the $1 theater. i really wasn't sure i wanted to see it. i am SO glad i did! it was really, really good.

i am loving the weather. the sky is perfect and the trees are beautiful. i'm glad i live somewhere that has seasons. for most of my growing up life we lived in florida. we moved to ohio my junior year of high school and i got to experience fall, spring and winter! i went to college in tennessee, then lived in georgia for a couple of years. i then found myself in kansas. kansas had winter, a short spring and fall and a summer that truly outlived any i'd known. there was less humidity, which made it bearable. the wind there was amazing. most of the time, there was wind. there were not many trees or high rises to block it. having moved so many times, i have to say i'm really glad we're settled. my husband grew up here. his entire family is still here. this is foreign to me. i did not grow up around grandparents or cousins. i feel that i missed out. my children are really lucky to have both sets here in town. the only problem is that about every three years, i get the urge. to leave. to take my family somewhere completely new. to go somewhere where no one knows us. to find new friends. it's quickly overridden with the reality that the grass is NOT greener. that here is the only place i should be. that this moment is the only place i need to be living. i'm happy to stay. i am fortunate to have great friends. my kids have lived in the same house for 6 years! a record for me. even when we lived in the same town for 7, we lived in 4 different houses. is this house my dream house? is this neighborhood perfect? absolutely not. am i happy my kids have stability? absolutlely. i want them to be grounded. familiar.

cleaning is calling. my eldest asked me if i like cleaning. not really. i think they think i like it because i do it all the time! funny. i'd much rather be hanging out on the swing in the back with a book. but i can't stand the guilt i'd feel or the true dirtiness of this house!!