well, maybe. let's just say i'm gonna try a little harder to get my thoughts out into cyberspace. it's soon to be a new year right? hey, i changed the blog look...maybe that will help.
i think i stepped away from my blog because what i really wanted to do was RANT. COMPLAIN. SCREAM. i was really, um, pissed about that whole brutopia thing and really wanted to move past that. the problem with that is that, well, i'm still pissed over the whole thing. SO. now that that's out there maybe i can move on. maybe. or maybe i will just choose to wallow in my bitterness. what does one do when they've been burned? why do i think that with age, people are more mature and past really taking advantage of other people's goodness? because that, essentially, is what happened. but, i'm not gonna talk about that anymore. whew! aren't you glad?
last month, david ended up in the hospital. for three days. we don't have insurance. we choose not to have it because of the expense of being self-employed AND david's pre-existing condition. SO. people are amazing. i honestly cannot believe how our group of friends and acquaintances have stepped up to help us out. we are surrounded by the church. people i didn't even know brought food to my house. friends kept my kids. like for an entire week after david got home kept my kids. friends i haven't talked to, or hung out with for a few years brought food. people did our laundry. we EVEN had former customers from the coffeeshop bring yummy soup to the hospital for david to eat instead of the yucky hospital food. my boys' basketball and soccer team rallyed together to bring food and take care of the financial part of being on the team. an old friend, who i haven't seen in a few years organized a benefit for us to help with the hospital costs. some musician friends of ours turned their already scheduled winter concert into a benefit. other friends sold pieces of their art to go into the hospital fund. amazing. i don't even think one box of thank-you cards would cover the amount of people who helped us out. we are blessed. it's real easy to give. it's real hard to accept gifts. it's humbling. but, it reminds you that life is about relationships. that's it. plain and simple. loving other humans. loving your neighbor. that's why i'm SO conflicted about the above issue. how do you love people who have trashed your soul? taken your time? your money? used you? how do you hang on a cross, with nails in your hands and forgive? how the HECK do you do THAT? it's real easy to love people who "treat you as they want to be treated". it's real hard to love those other people. it's easy to want the best for people who want the best for you. it's real hard to love those other people who don't want the best for you. but, it sucks to be bitter. it only does more damage to my already damaged soul. so, moving on is the best thing. for those other people and for me. maybe someday i can look back and see peace in the whole thing.
what i meant for this to be was a thank you. a mass thank you to EVERYONE who stepped up and helped us out. we are happy, happy, happy to call you all friends.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
the real writer
i'm just a fake writer. i like to distribute my thoughts on my blog and on facebook. i realize that i am a bad grammar person. i make constant mistakes. i don't really even edit my writing i just write like it's my own personal diary that no one will ever see. but that's me. i don't really care. really.
i once took a writing class with my husband. the man i deeply love. my best friend in the whole world. i dropped the class. he's a real writer. i'm competitive.
we had to bring in samples of our journal. and read them aloud. we all sat around a table nervously reading the thoughts from our brain that we had tried to capture on paper. i read mine. quiet. and then a "oh, that's nice" from the professor. the process kept going around the table until it got to my husband. my husband. the real writer. he read his work. the teacher put a hand to her breast, sighed and practically fell upon her desk writhing in ecstasy. she was about 65. i should have been proud that my husband could ellicit such a reaction. i should have smiled and looked around at the class and said "yep, he's mine". they might not have noticed because they were all writhing and in tears as well. but no. promptly after that class i went to the office of wichita state university and dropped the class. no way was i going to sit through THAT every week.
so. i have a blog. he does not. i doodle and journal little things on my grocery list. he does not. i have hopes that he will one day write again cuz i'm over myself. i like to think i could take a class with him again and make it through to the end.....
i once took a writing class with my husband. the man i deeply love. my best friend in the whole world. i dropped the class. he's a real writer. i'm competitive.
we had to bring in samples of our journal. and read them aloud. we all sat around a table nervously reading the thoughts from our brain that we had tried to capture on paper. i read mine. quiet. and then a "oh, that's nice" from the professor. the process kept going around the table until it got to my husband. my husband. the real writer. he read his work. the teacher put a hand to her breast, sighed and practically fell upon her desk writhing in ecstasy. she was about 65. i should have been proud that my husband could ellicit such a reaction. i should have smiled and looked around at the class and said "yep, he's mine". they might not have noticed because they were all writhing and in tears as well. but no. promptly after that class i went to the office of wichita state university and dropped the class. no way was i going to sit through THAT every week.
so. i have a blog. he does not. i doodle and journal little things on my grocery list. he does not. i have hopes that he will one day write again cuz i'm over myself. i like to think i could take a class with him again and make it through to the end.....
Saturday, October 10, 2009
hold on
the other day i was frantically nauseous about having a teenager. my friend melanie put it really well. she said it's like we're first time moms again. there's all this teenagery behavior and it's like having a new newborn. you have NO clue what to do with them. sadly, you can't just hold them, feed them, change them and make them happy. no, now they have opinions and they REALLY like to make them known. they have a brain that thinks, ponders, worries, plans, loves, and all that other stuff. unfortunately, sometimes their brains and our brains are in collision mode.
my husband's answer to it all is to "put your seatbelt on". melanie and i decided it needed to be a 5-POINT harness type.
i'm learning that i can't completely control my teenagers. they have to learn to do that themselves. i sometimes have to just stand by and watch. urgh. why can't i just clean up the mess like when they were two? i have to admit i do have a pretty great teen. he does have some pretty great friends. REALLY great friends. that's good.
it's just that i'm living with a 6'2" manish looking person who really isn't a man yet. you sometimes catch glimpses of a man...he's got a really good example. what i snicker at are the eye rolls, the hair flips, the "debating", the questioning. he's trying to figure it all out.
like every mom i thought the baby days would last FOREVER. it really seems like they will when you're in them. but here i am. he's got about 4-5 more years with us and that seems like a tiny amount in the scheme of things. thankfully, i've got 4 others behind him. i mean i'm really glad i still have a cute 4 year old who gets his words mixed up and runs everywhere and is still kind of pudgy and smells like a little kid. by the time he's 15 i'll be riding without a seatbelt. i'll be so comfortable in the role of "mom of a teenager" nothing will surprise me. not that i'll have it all figured out, i'll just (hopefully) have figured out how to relax. you know, by the time you've had the third or fourth newborn, you realize they're not going to break. they can cry and it won't kill them. other people ARE able to hold them and love on them!
by the time you've had your third or fourth toddler you realize that ice cream for breakfast sometimes isn't such a bad thing, and buying candy everytime you take one to the store just to keep them happy won't lead to sudden death. you lighten up. so, it has to be the same with teens. that is, until i get to my girls and that, my friends will be a WHOLE 'nother story.
my husband's answer to it all is to "put your seatbelt on". melanie and i decided it needed to be a 5-POINT harness type.
i'm learning that i can't completely control my teenagers. they have to learn to do that themselves. i sometimes have to just stand by and watch. urgh. why can't i just clean up the mess like when they were two? i have to admit i do have a pretty great teen. he does have some pretty great friends. REALLY great friends. that's good.
it's just that i'm living with a 6'2" manish looking person who really isn't a man yet. you sometimes catch glimpses of a man...he's got a really good example. what i snicker at are the eye rolls, the hair flips, the "debating", the questioning. he's trying to figure it all out.
like every mom i thought the baby days would last FOREVER. it really seems like they will when you're in them. but here i am. he's got about 4-5 more years with us and that seems like a tiny amount in the scheme of things. thankfully, i've got 4 others behind him. i mean i'm really glad i still have a cute 4 year old who gets his words mixed up and runs everywhere and is still kind of pudgy and smells like a little kid. by the time he's 15 i'll be riding without a seatbelt. i'll be so comfortable in the role of "mom of a teenager" nothing will surprise me. not that i'll have it all figured out, i'll just (hopefully) have figured out how to relax. you know, by the time you've had the third or fourth newborn, you realize they're not going to break. they can cry and it won't kill them. other people ARE able to hold them and love on them!
by the time you've had your third or fourth toddler you realize that ice cream for breakfast sometimes isn't such a bad thing, and buying candy everytime you take one to the store just to keep them happy won't lead to sudden death. you lighten up. so, it has to be the same with teens. that is, until i get to my girls and that, my friends will be a WHOLE 'nother story.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
it's time
for a hair re-do. new color. new cut. soon. if i can JUST find 5 seconds to call.
the boys had a crazy, good time at the farm campout. i'm so glad they do it. i hope aidan continues the tradition into adulthood. that would be cool.
it's COLD! what is up with that???
i went through the calendar with my kids today and the summer is flying by. soon, it'll be time to start school again! how can that be?
i re-painted the dining room and now all of the school books/craft supplies/drawings from the past entire year are on the table. i have no motivation to clean it all up! i just want to put it all in a box and forget about it.
i think i'm moving my school room to the basement. i know, dark. scary. there's really good lighting down there and it could stay messy all year. i hate having to clean off the table every night for dinner and sometimes i don't and we end up eating on our laps in other rooms and that really stinks. i think i want the dining room to be the dining room. i think i need another space separate from the rest of the house for schoolwork. mentally, i need to go somewhere else. i need everyone to have their own little desk. everything, as of now, gets shoved onto a shelf. it's just not working. PLUS there are closets in the basement that would work great for storing it all. PLUS i can paint it a fun color and hang goofy posters and art and maps and chalkboards and all of that. my last three kids all really get into that kind of stuff...so i think it would help them. there. it's settled. school in the basement. now i need a name.
the boys had a crazy, good time at the farm campout. i'm so glad they do it. i hope aidan continues the tradition into adulthood. that would be cool.
it's COLD! what is up with that???
i went through the calendar with my kids today and the summer is flying by. soon, it'll be time to start school again! how can that be?
i re-painted the dining room and now all of the school books/craft supplies/drawings from the past entire year are on the table. i have no motivation to clean it all up! i just want to put it all in a box and forget about it.
i think i'm moving my school room to the basement. i know, dark. scary. there's really good lighting down there and it could stay messy all year. i hate having to clean off the table every night for dinner and sometimes i don't and we end up eating on our laps in other rooms and that really stinks. i think i want the dining room to be the dining room. i think i need another space separate from the rest of the house for schoolwork. mentally, i need to go somewhere else. i need everyone to have their own little desk. everything, as of now, gets shoved onto a shelf. it's just not working. PLUS there are closets in the basement that would work great for storing it all. PLUS i can paint it a fun color and hang goofy posters and art and maps and chalkboards and all of that. my last three kids all really get into that kind of stuff...so i think it would help them. there. it's settled. school in the basement. now i need a name.
Friday, June 26, 2009
5 second rule
for blogging when you're a mom of 5 kids. whenever you have 5 seconds you blog. something really quick. like a facebook status.
aidan is 15 now. aidan is 6'1" now. i'm still 5'4" and 29. for real. i'm not aging. it's really strange. i know WAY more now, but i'm still only 29.
for the past several years he's had a big birthday campout at the indiana property. i don't EVEN want to know what goes on down there. no girls allowed. this time there are about 25 going. this includes dads who can join in. this time, my baby went! my 4 year old who thinks he's 15 went. my littlest boy who is supposed to want to stay home with me! so i have 5 seconds. a few 5 seconds. dang i miss that little boy. both of them.
aidan is 15 now. aidan is 6'1" now. i'm still 5'4" and 29. for real. i'm not aging. it's really strange. i know WAY more now, but i'm still only 29.
for the past several years he's had a big birthday campout at the indiana property. i don't EVEN want to know what goes on down there. no girls allowed. this time there are about 25 going. this includes dads who can join in. this time, my baby went! my 4 year old who thinks he's 15 went. my littlest boy who is supposed to want to stay home with me! so i have 5 seconds. a few 5 seconds. dang i miss that little boy. both of them.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
only once
i don't really like to vent on my blog. ya know, just wanna keep things light. however. i just wanna say. never, never, never EVER go into business with a friend. without a lawyer. without a signed something. anything. it would be a far better thing to just cut off both your hands with a very dull knife. the sad reality is that going into a business with a friend basically means you will no longer be friends. you suddenly are running something together and it becomes more of a marriage. sadly, when everything goes south and you've been beaten up, cheated on and are generally in a very sucky situation there's nothing to do but get a divorce. THAT, my friends, is ugly. then you have the custody battle over the beloved child i.e. the business. who will be better for it? who will take care of it? who will nurture it into something? who will MAINTAIN consistency? that, really, is what must be decided. HOWEVER, you have the emotions that go along with it. "but, it was MY idea", "no, it was MINE". "you don't like me anymore" , "you don't stand up for me", "you're disrespectful" and blah, blah, blah, blah. are you kidding me?? so then you have the business and it's faithful customers stuck right smack in the middle wondering what will happen to them. if one person takes over there's a chance of survival. if the other? questionable. child services will have to be phoned in a few months because of severe neglect and something that was beautiful will be damaged forever. SO, if you say to me you're going into business with a friend. i will say RUN! NO! you'll have a much better chance with a complete stranger off of the street. got it?
Friday, June 19, 2009
here i am again
it's easy to post when your 5 kids are out of the house. they're out of the house!
i'm painting. lots of rooms. like almost every room in my house. cool colors. when i say cool, i really MEAN cool. as in blues and greens. calm, gentle colors. AND for the first time EVER i'm picking all the colors off of the same card. ya know, the palette things. the colors that THEY already have matched up for you. no more going from room to room in my house without flow. at least on the first floor. bedrooms and such can be whatever the occupant wants. but from now on the first floor, the floor where we are all of the time has got to be calm!
next i need to get rid of all that stuff that accumulates in closets, basements and garages. do we really NEED 20 scooters? is that crib, carseat, highchair and 3 boxes of baby clothes neccessary? if i save it will i really have a grandkid (or daughter-in-law) that WANTS old stuff??? doubt it. somehow i just can't part with those things just yet. my heart starts to ache thinking about it.
today, aidan was listening to "don't stop believin" in the car and i was almost brought to gut-wrenching sobs. journey? making me cry? i was just transported back to 1981/82, my bedroom, my first album (journey "escape"), my record player and all of my teen angst. OH, did i mention the round brush that was my microphone? my rainbow comforter, yellow walls and rainbow wallpaper that were my stage? me rockin' it out in my best steve perry imitation? oh yeah. my eldest would laugh his head off at the sight and never listen to the song again! i'm thankful for my life. i'm thankful for the people in it and mostly i'm thankful that i have a really great teenager. not that there aren't days...ya know. nail biting days. but overall, he's a good kid. how'd that happen???
i'm not guaranteeing that i'll remain here in blog world, but i AM hopeful.....
i'm painting. lots of rooms. like almost every room in my house. cool colors. when i say cool, i really MEAN cool. as in blues and greens. calm, gentle colors. AND for the first time EVER i'm picking all the colors off of the same card. ya know, the palette things. the colors that THEY already have matched up for you. no more going from room to room in my house without flow. at least on the first floor. bedrooms and such can be whatever the occupant wants. but from now on the first floor, the floor where we are all of the time has got to be calm!
next i need to get rid of all that stuff that accumulates in closets, basements and garages. do we really NEED 20 scooters? is that crib, carseat, highchair and 3 boxes of baby clothes neccessary? if i save it will i really have a grandkid (or daughter-in-law) that WANTS old stuff??? doubt it. somehow i just can't part with those things just yet. my heart starts to ache thinking about it.
today, aidan was listening to "don't stop believin" in the car and i was almost brought to gut-wrenching sobs. journey? making me cry? i was just transported back to 1981/82, my bedroom, my first album (journey "escape"), my record player and all of my teen angst. OH, did i mention the round brush that was my microphone? my rainbow comforter, yellow walls and rainbow wallpaper that were my stage? me rockin' it out in my best steve perry imitation? oh yeah. my eldest would laugh his head off at the sight and never listen to the song again! i'm thankful for my life. i'm thankful for the people in it and mostly i'm thankful that i have a really great teenager. not that there aren't days...ya know. nail biting days. but overall, he's a good kid. how'd that happen???
i'm not guaranteeing that i'll remain here in blog world, but i AM hopeful.....
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